The Good Place actor on learning from her mistakes, how men suffer because of the patriarchy and combatting impossible beauty standards

Warning: This story discusses sexual assault and eating disorders

Jameela Jamil isn’t perfect, and she’s proud of it.

In a world where women are often pressured to be perfectionists, the actor is an advocate for embracing mistakes and not being afraid of failures.

Best known for her role as Tahani Al-Jamil in the Netflix television series The Good Place, Jamil has also spoken out about women’s issues including body image, beauty standards, abortion and sex work.

She has been promoting the recently released Disney Pixar film, Elio, in which she voices Ambassador Questa. In April, she was on a speaking tour in Australia discussing topics such as mental health, feminism, her pride in failure, and authenticity.

Yet, despite her advocacy, Jamil was not always the poster child for feminism.

Becoming an advocate

Jamil’s early interpretation of feminism saw her tearing other women down for flaunting their sexuality, and she says this attitude used to garner her praise.

But there was a dark reason behind her actions. "Part of my [being a] slut-shaming misogynist [was because] I'd been raped … within just a few years of when I developed that mindset and so I was speaking from the wound, not the scar."

Over the years, she’s spoken about the sexual assaults she endured, discussing the incidents when she was groped as a child and the harassment she has experienced in person and online.

She attributes her misogyny to this trauma.

"I blamed the women rather than the system that sexualises women and forces them into an economy where the most sexualised women will get the most attention."

Jamil says she "wasn’t educated enough to tackle the correct target", which was the patriarchy.

"I just grew up and I grew to understand the system and the culture. Now I will die on my hill of fighting for all women - and that very much includes sex workers."

Part of Jamil’s disparaging attitude was directed toward sex workers. She says that she would not have understood her wrongdoing without the patience and grace of other women.

"I've done a full 180 and that's what happens with time, patience, education and a bit of grace … I'm so lucky that women have embraced me as someone who has changed, and I therefore embrace other people who are changing."

Jamil emphasises the importance of being graceful toward those that are still learning "otherwise we’re going to scare them all the way over to the other side".

Encouraging support for men’s mental health

Her priority these days is pursuing equality for all genders with the understanding that the patriarchy also impacts male emotional vulnerability.

"The reason men inject themselves into our conversations is because they don't have anywhere of their own to go."

She supports men speaking out about their mental health, and says she is working with activists to encourage men and women to come together and help men feel comfortable sharing their emotions.

"I'm aware that it's men who are harming [women’s] mental and emotional health so it feels counterintuitive, but the faster men get better, the faster our lives will get better."

She also hopes men will create their own spaces for mental health discussions. She believes that if this happens, they will be less likely to project their emotions by "beating up a woman or shooting up a school".

In the US, men are more likely to commit mass shootings than women, something criminologists say is potentially due to "strained masculinity".

"Strained masculinity" refers to the consequences that men may experience when they fail to live up to societal and cultural expectations of so-called masculinity. These expectations view men as macho, aggressive, and dominating.

Vulnerability or weakness can lead to social isolation, ridicule and overall poorer mental health. Studies show this can play a role in men expressing their anger through violence.

"Showing your emotions, showing your sensitivity, that doesn't have to take away from your masculinity. It’s perfectly manly," Jamil says.

Beware impossible beauty standards

Jamil knows firsthand the dangers of striving for impossible beauty standards, as she says they are what exacerbated her anorexia throughout her teens and early twenties.

She says this disease has damaged her bone density, heart, liver and digestive system. Her recovery began when she started questioning why she was starving herself.

"I'd ask myself ‘Why do I think this about myself when I don't think this about any other woman? Where does this voice actually come from?’

"If I look at another woman who's bigger than me or older than me, and I never have any negative thought towards her … where is it coming from that I set a different standard for myself?

"I started hunting down where that voice came from and really it was just the anus of misogyny."

Realising that the patriarchy was behind certain unattainable standards of beauty angered Jamil.

To combat the idea that a woman's value is determined by impossible beauty standards, she launched initiatives such as I Weigh in 2018.

It’s a community allyship platform that focuses on the worth of women and others through their achievements, rather than numbers on a scale.

She’s also spoken out about the societal pressures on women to fight the signs of aging, saying she prefers to "age peacefully".

"I'm not going to get the 'perfect' body or face or try to emulate a 21-year-old forever when I'm almost 40. Out of spite, I'm going to grow old peacefully."

Jamil objects to the phrase aging gracefully because "it's just another way to shit on women used by other women".

"Because if you do age naturally, you're given shit for it; and then if you do try to stop time, you're given shit for it."

She says she is "at peace" with her flaws and her mistakes, and she is continuing her progress of overcoming internalised misogyny.

"The day I stop my progress is just because I've died."

Steering clear of social media

Jamil believes social media is inherently damaging for users. Research shows social media use is more damaging to Gen Z than other generations. Gen Z is also the demographic most likely to seek digital wellbeing advice.

"I think social media strains our mental health so much that it's the reason we're having to look for mental health influencers," she says.

Jamil would like to see more safe spaces for young people to meet up and teenagers taking advantage of that.

"At least in my day we used to have to go out and buy a magazine that would make us hate ourselves. Now you are hunted from the second you sign in."

If you need someone to talk to, call:

• 1800 Respect National Helpline: 1800 737 732
  
• Lifeline (24-hour crisis line): 131 114
• The Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673
  
• Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800